We talked and decided on some strategies to work through the rest of the week.
Today Sam was looking at some videos explaining about how organisational skills can help us, how we use them in video games and in what ways those skills are transferable into our dealings with people.
He also watched one about self awareness.
After this he played Shape Switcher , which encourages him follow instruction and plan/organise/focus..these all help him manage his ADHD.
Whilst eating his breakfast, Owen was taking all this in with great interest and couldn't wait to get started.
He started with a video about Time Management:
And Flexibility..again to keep the boys interested, these are explained using referencing to video games.
Both boys also enjoyed this
Once they found their way round the website , the children laughed and enjoyed looking at what else there was on offer...this one caused much laughter.
The boys were a bit disappointed they weren't put forward for their next jujitsu belt this week..us , not so much, because it's not even three months since the last one. Sensei explained it had been a tough decision but the gradings are getting harder as they move up the belts.
This week is proving a heck of a roller coaster ..so much so I have the cheesy, fun song 'Rollercoaster!' going through my head on a loop. Owen has been trying to regulate everything and everyone in the house ( and outside of it)..because not every request is met with complete compliance, he is melting down at a level not seen for quite some time. It's hard to keep up with, my pain is bad and I pulled up the Whitzend drawbridge. Sam has responded to Owen trying to control his every mood by displaying his own types of PDA traits. Refusal, misdirection and emotional outbursts with floods of tears.
So it's a case of concentrating on the issues and trying to resolve as much as possible, as gently as I can. It's tough. I am exhausted. In amongst all this, Sam's DLA renewal form comes through and I know I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with it right now.
The boys suggested we go and play squash at the sports centre round the corner. Foolishly I agreed, buoyed up by their enthusiasm...I mean ..what could possibly go wrong?
Quite a lot apparently...shall we start with shoegate? There was their shoegate..once overcome they both rounded on me about how long it took me to get my boots on. Which isn't long, considering I don't have the mental power or coordination skills to lace the darn things up..I just slip them on and off. It appears that when riled up a second is a lifetime in PDA land. *deep breath*
There was a slight recovery on the walk across, as we spotted some beautiful mushrooms.
We got on the squash court without too much hassle, they even put their trainers on OK.
I was just convincing myself about what a brilliant idea this had been when, Owen decided to take great offence at the oxygen he was breathing. I headed it off with misdirection. Sam started to hum, stimming to blot out the atmosphere he could feel building. The humming he was making insensed Owen...defcon 1 was reached. I groaned inwardly..but recovered it.
A few more knock abouts and the boys decided they wanted me to score them against each other ...I explained why this wasn't a great idea...that helped..not. It was becoming perfectly clear that no matter what I did next, we were sliding into the abyss and our path downwards had been heavily greased.
Owen started to shout at Sam's nervous stimming, then stormed in and out of the squash court. I valiantly carried on playing with Sam whilst we had the back of our heads scowled at. Owen has perfected a stare that burns the back of your head with its intensity. My eye started to twitch, Sam twitched...everywhere. We headed back home. They both fired lots of demands at me as we did so..I fended them off as only a parent with a special needs can...'oh look squirrel' ( insert various woodland animals that I was glad of spotting for diversion tactics) ...thankfully we are blessed with an array of wildlife here.
I would like to say the afternoon got better after lunch...it didn't. I was trying to create a force field of crochet, Sam had his head phones on and trying to zone out...so Owen pulled all the clothes out of Sam's room and trashed it.
Later, after Owen decided to tidy it up again he says:
'I just don't know what has come over me this week'..like some 1950's femme fatale
I think he's turned into Blanche Dubois...
'There are just all these conditions mother..so many conditions ,' he sighs dramatically.
Me: what conditions and rules ?
Him: no we are just a family of conditions, ASD/PDA ADHD SPD and your Neurological pain....there's so much to consider ..all the time...
I swear he's nearly swooning...but he's made me laugh. I explain that all these conditions make us who we are. We are better for them in many ways...we have our own super powers because of it.
We did manage to have a reasonable, peaceful meal together..Yorkshire puddings to the rescue. It gave us the opportunity to discuss what had happened calmly and neither boys seems to have a clue why they are so on edge. I have noticed that we seen to have a bad cycle this time every year..it's like some sort of genetic memory brain fart..who knows?
We decide we need a full demand detox tomorrow and declare a film day. Owen at bedtime says..'I fart rainbows at you ' ...I think he was being nice, so I fart some back.
Both seem brighter today and even manage ( with help) some negotiation and compromise. We start our film day with Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
Followed by Home Alone.
At one point Owen covers his eyes and ears because he feels sorry for the burglars. 'Oh mum that's gotta hurt!' He's half laughing half cringing.
During the films I am checked on repeatedly. I am told to switch my phone off etc and am not allowed to answer messages. Owen in particular is trying to work through his anxiety and needs the reassurance of knowing I am there for him fully. Later he opens up to me about a friend shouting at him yesterday. The friend messaged him today to apologise and had made sure Owen realised it wasn't his fault, merely that they had been having a bad day. This had played a major part in Owens meltdown yesterday and I could see the weigh lift from him. When you find social interactions confusing anyway, stuff like this can impact big time and he had been internalising what he may have done wrong. He hugs me and says...I feel so much better knowing it wasn't something I did to upset him.
Sometimes, when things seem really hard, the interweb has a habit of throwing you a link or scrap of information which is just spot on. Today this fell at my feet and resonated so well.
http://www.majesticunicorn.biz/blog/2015/10/20/broken-things
I remember it used to be like this all the time...paper ripped off walls, doors damaged, lashing out.
Times were I went behind the shed and cried ( where they couldn't see me) because I could see they were hurting and I hadn't a clue where to start.
Where a favourite toy had been smashed in frustration they couldn't express and the realisation had broken their hearts ( and mine) .
Yeah it's been a tough week so far..for many reasons...it's always for many reasons..some you see straight away, some creep out a bit at a time, you feel unwell, tired, worried. Then I remember how it was..and it's better now, we are better, we are a team. Whatever those difficulties are, we face them together, we talk before,during and after..we reassess how things could have worked better. We have all come a long way. Things still get broken, not as much, tempers break...but there are better coping strategies for us. We regroup, we problem solve, we forgive, we move forward and back...but always forward. I stopped listening to people who didn't understand, who thought ASD was an 'excuse', I looked, learned and listened to my children...they are the expert witnesses here...even when I don't know what's going on, I ask, I listen and eventually I know it will become clearer. No child wants to feel that miserable, that angry, that frustrated, that anxious through choice.
It can still take me a few days of thinking 'what?!' when Whitzend desends into a maelstrom of emotions...for me to get to the root of it...we don't have a shed now, I don't need a shed. I need to look, trust and think..I need to take my parental blinkers off and be the better person..I need to be present and supportive. I need to think outside the 'rules' , the box, the mainstream ideal of what I should be as a parent. Sometimes I am so conditioned by what I used to believe, I fall into habits that have proved to fail us here..because I am human..because I am tired, in pain, worried..my boys forgive me for those mistakes, often with humour and good grace...I try and repay them with the same.
Meh...the head monster had me up and pacing with pain from 4 am...because I clearly wasn't tired enough. Blokey is home thankfully and we drove over to see my parents. Whilst there we stopped off at the weir and watched the salmon jumping. It was a great thing and the small crowd of people whooped everytime one jumped.
I couldn't get many decent shots myself ..due to the shakes and my excitement but someone else got some lovely footage last week...these fish travel so far..it's amazing.
We had a rare old time convincing the children that the heron on the other side of the river was real. I still don't think they were believers when we left.
Back at my parents , we played dominos and ate lunch before coming back home...I felt quite undone but it was good to get out the house and have some company.
We spent breakfast persuading Owen to go swimming, which he did...often he seems to enjoy the banter this creates, so we go through the motions.
Sam bombs up and down trying to rack up lengths..he's an accomplished swimmer these days. Owen practices his diving and tries to develop new, strange strokes to swim with. It's explosive stuff and the lifeguard is concerned for his safety..I assure him Owen can actually swim ..he's just choosing not to today..the man looks at me like I am mad.. I laugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment