The Ups and Downs of Excitment.

Excitement! The children are aware that Christmas time is drawing nearer. For sensitive children this is both a fun and difficult time. The anticipation can all get too much and they struggle to keep things on an even keel. Watching them over the years it appears physically painful, to deal with the range of emotions this time of year throws at them.

Over the weekend we got the decorations down. The boys enjoyed looking through all the things they have made since they were small. It was going well but then the tension mounted and what I can only describe as 'trying to nail jelly to the wall' , that type of flitting that means reason is no longer listened to. I suggested little tasks to help get the decorations up but they simply couldn't focus. Next thing I know they are hitting each other round the heads with a wreath in each hand. This really sums up the whole of the morning, they were unable to make even the simplest decision.

Eventually we managed to sort most of the decorations from the boxes and have an impromptu sack race.

Dinner time was pretty fraught too, and I had to take all decisions away from them , to save their sanity and mine! They were incapable of making a choice of the food we had available, even with help. I had to turn everything off in the house due to the overstimulation that was clouding even the smallest decision. I can practically see them fizzing at this time of year.

I decided a walk may help, so we headed out to the fields with our pup. Sounds really simple doesn't it..yeah? NO....until you have children ( especially sensory ones) you couldn't imagine how hard it can be to just get out of the door. First there is the sock or no socks debate. If socks are agreeable , then there is the fear of going upstairs to over come. I head off with Sam as Owen has decided 'socks are not necessary' . We ( finally) decided on which socks and I try and get Sam back downstairs...he's running around bouncing off all the walls. We get downstairs and the Owen still hasn't got his coat on yet and looking perplexed. He's decided he needs socks after all...I go upstairs with him now..same dilemma over the choice of socks. I coax him out from under the bed, but he's lost the socks now. After finding the socks we head back downstairs. Sam in the meantime has lost his socks..' I was throwing them in the air and now I can't find them'. He hasn't got his coat on either ..a small sigh escapes me, they don't miss this admission of frustration and things take another difficult turn with shoving and the frowning of a lifetime going on.

Eventually I get them, with coats on, into the porch. I briefly close the door and reach for the pup and lead. As I open the door I walk in on Sam bending over to put his wellies on, whilst Owen lands a foot up his back side. They both collapse in fits of giggles, the pup goes hyper and I end up tied in his lead.

At this point I am very glad I had my migraine treatment last week, very glad indeed.

We get into the field and hunt out some wood, look for clues to what animals inhabit the hedgerows and talk about trees. Sam and Owen wrestle good naturedly and Owen ends up bum down in a rather large cow pat. I try, and fail not to laugh but he takes it in good part.

On heading back home they decided they would like to do 'deliveries' so we write cards and head back out to post them to our friends and neighbours. There are only 2 small streets but they manage to lose me at one point and I stand flapping wildly to attract their attention.

Back home we read about the Winter Solstice together and I explain how  different people view this time of year and how feasting marks a turning point in the midst of Winter. It's nice that they find this interesting and Owen starts to talk about how lucky we are to have food and a warm house. We discuss our recent 'Rucksack Project' for the local homeless and how in some countries children their age can have a much harder way of life.

So time to light the fire now , sort out a snack for the boys and relax for a little while before our evening meal.

Well tweak my nipples and call me Susan !

So a great deal is happening as usual. Our pup is really growing, he's a big chap already and still has a way to go. He looks very wolf like but is extremely gentle and seems to be losing his baby teeth at a rate of one per day. Our dear friend Carol came over to chat about what we were doing with him at my request, just to reassure me it was all going well for the new addition. It was good to  talk to another dog lover and run through a few things, catch up generally. All is good and pup is doing well, gaining confidence and relaxed.

The boys sat and listened to everything Carol had to say! Owen is particularly interested in all things dog and likes to learn new ways of interacting with them. He is a big dog lover like his father already.

Here is a picture he took of Shadow.

I am gradually working into a new flexible routine with the children. I have to be pretty firm about meal times and medicine taking. Issues arise if meals are skipped, tempers fray and medicine is currently very important due to their respiratory complications. Saying that they are doing so much better on that score I am hopeful the problem will resolve it's self at some point. Both boys are growing rapidly at the moment, trousers suddenly too short, so am having to sort clothing etc.

Once again this week I am reminded about how the smallest change can throw things for the children. Blokey had to have an overnight stay in hospital this week. Just him not being here in the morning threw the children of kilter. It was hard keeping a lid on their anxiety, plus I am going in myself for a day proceedure this week too. It took quite a bit of careful management to get things settled and keep everything calm.

In the afternoon we read this

The boys also managed to achieve another belt in jujitsu. They found the venue and different people difficult to deal with , also the photos afterwards caused Sam some major wobbles but we all felt very proud of their achievements .

 S finds seasons very hard to fathom so we have to do a lot of reinforcement with stories and prompts about the house . It was time to change our Autumn displays over to Winter ones. We used wax resist and paint to create Winter themes and the boys worked out a mnemonic for Winter. 

After consulting our Seasons chart we marked off the things we have observed over the last month.

We were missing the Candlesnuff fungus, so the boys asked if we could go and look for some in the fields.

Off we went, with Shadow in tow.

Sadly we couldn't find any but we had great fun breaking up fallen branches with our jujitsu moves and Kung fu chicken noises...hiiiiiiiyaaaaaaa!

Managed to fill a huge bag with kindling for our fire. The boys commented on how it was like the big storm in Percy's Park, blowing all the branches down. We found a large beefsteak fungi, that had succumbed to the recent wind, but it was too far gone to eat.

The children were also excited to find the remains of a huge rocket amongst the fallen branches, especially as it had travelled at least 3 fields.

Back home for hot black currant, we lit the fire and settled down for Spongebob.

So how was it for you?

There is never a week when we are not busy. This one was no exception, even though I admit I tried my best because , well I have not been so good.

We are still experimenting with fully autonomous learning, natural learning or unschooling, depending on who you are. I can see the children are happy and enjoying the freedom. I am always on hand to help or guide and enjoy the children leading the conversations, here there and everywhere. They never cease to amaze me. Things like evaporation , jujitsu, swimming, times tables , guitar practice, games like twister , looking at our compass...the list goes on.

So this week we have visited the park more than once for a raucous time running our legs off, worked with Shadow our puppy, had friends round to visit us , went to visit friends, the library, talked to the physio therapist, GP and ASD team (sigh). I also had more bloods tests at the hospital and this is made enormously funny because the children lean over and go 'cor' as the needle goes in. 

'Does it hurt Mum?'

'Why do they put your blood in different coloured containers' 

Everything is an adventure these days.

Sam went geocaching with a friend of mine whilst Owen played with her son. Today we took the boys to our local woods, walked the dogs, the boys stopping and talking to everyone they met, collected chestnuts then went home to roast them on the fire. Yeah there is a song brewing, can you tell?

Am expanding my knowledge by reading more about John Holt and his philosophy about child lead learning. 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Legacy-John-Holt-Understood/dp/1483905489

I realise it's more about me being confident enough to trust that children will learn, as long as they are interested and happy. Often it's hard to step back and allow them to follow their own path but I am getting there. Part of my reticence is down to being under constant scrutiny from professional bodies due to the children's previous medical issues and the ASD side of things. It would appear that very few of these people trust the child or parent they are dealing with. They certainly feel they need to train both, till we behave ourselves and fit in that little, very restrictive box.

Looking at those around me that have taken this path is such a wonderful experience. The children are allowed to explore, learn and develop their interests in a stimulating environment that encompasses their whole lives. Therefore, this means they are functioning in the adult world (let's face it that's what you want in the long run) , making critical judgements, becoming independant learners and living a full life in the heart of their community. I fail to see how helpful it is shutting them away in schools, away from life, society, the only community they are mixing with is peers of the same age and the odd teacher. Why is this seen as normal ? We don't have rushed 15 mins of play now, we have full days with our friends, out doors, indoors, with people who have the time to support them as they need. We also have times of quiet contemplation, without interruption , where they can explore their ideas and be creative thinkers. I cannot emphase how important I believe this is.

If there is anyone reading this who is contemplating home educating their children please, please look at your options. I thought and thought about this, leaving the boys in school way too long when they were clearly unhappy. I doubted myself, was told I wasn't up to the job and generally undermined at every turn. Yes it's tiring but that is far out weighed by the sheer wonder of watching your child blossom into an interested, interesting individual with a mind of their own. Meal times will never be the same again.

Believe in yourself, believe in your children..all will be well. In the meantime look at these happy faces.

'We did nothing today Dad'

Owen asked for a Duck egg for breakfast. He decided it needed a cowboy hat and rushed to grab a pen so he could draw a face too. Sam was having fruit for breakfast but didn't want my egg to be left out and happily added a face to mine.

I had a number of jobs to do in the morning so the boys decided to research a few things online ( Lego Harry Potter related) then we had fish goujons, peas and fruit for lunch. We chatted over lunch about some words they  weren't sure about, I explained evaporation and we decided on our afternoon activities.

Both boys were in agreement that a very large piece of paper would be needed , so we unrolled a sheet and they grabbed some pens and scissors. Owen coped really well cutting the paper to Sam's requirements. 'Bigger Owen,  no smaller, bit more...perfect!' I couldn't tell you when the children finally mastered scissors, I know they have always found them tricksy, then suddenly today , there they are happily cutting away. They rolled their eyes when I commented, obviously thinking I was rather slow on the uptake.

Next they decided to draw around each other in different coloured pens , to see if they could spot any differences between their outlines. Much giggling ensued and I was required to help with the curly paper. Lots of extras were added to the final drawing, eyes, a curl on Sam's head and some clothes.

Finally they turned the paper over and devised a drawing, racing game....copious giggling and a nicely coloured in floor when things got more exuberant. Sam is very energetic during these games and his arms and legs fly around with gay abandonment!

We read our library books. Sam decided he wanted to read his out to Owen and I. He really enjoyed the rhyming story and once again surprised me with the words he could read confidently. It was lovely to see the big smile on his face as he enjoyed telling the story. He paused often to point things of interest out to us both and asked Owen for help once when he was unsure. We spent some time looking at a Where's Wally Book or 'instrument of torture' as I think of them. Sam and Owen are always convinced that there is some sort of trickery in play. They concentrated for far longer than I expected and we had a good chortle at some of the illustrations.

Sam then decided he had had enough and played a game of pool online whilst Owen and I looked at our Story Cubes. Owen asked if I would record the story he made in his journal and surprised me by creating a two page tale. He proudly added 'By Owen and his Mum' at the end. It would appear that writing his story down for him frees up his thoughts more and allows him to be able to be more creative with his characters and storyline.

He proudly read the story back to me, then commented on his journal only having 2 pages left. We spent some time looking back through his journal at his work. He was surprised at how much we have done since September and enjoyed looking at the photos we had taken . We then decided it would be fun to do some drawings together to complete the last 2 pages. We took turns at drawing different parts of the body . We each drew a head then swapped over and added the next bit. He thought this was very funny indeed and I took a photo of the finished people.Owen then choose a new journal and decorated the first page with his name and dictated what he wanted underneath. 

We also found a times table book and the children decided to fill in some of the pages and asked me to check their answers.

Sam and Owen then practiced their Jujistu moves, sorted out their books to take back to the library and disappeared upstairs to do some more game research.

Do I know you?

One of Sam's little quirks is his memory. He finds remembering people very hard but is so lovely everyone forgives him. Often he will strike up a conversation based on the fact I have said 'good morning ' to someone passing in the street. He thinks that if I speak to someone, then he knows them.

Conversations often go like this:

Sam: Hello, do I know you? Have we met before , I think I know your face?

Random Person: ( looking bemused and puzzled in equal measures) Erm..I don't think so.

Sam: I live ( gives address as far as he can remember it)

Random Person: Oh that's nice....

He then takes this as que to launch into whatever his favourite subject of the day barely pausing for breath. He is lovely and engaging, even when the random person has no clue what he is saying and I often have to fill in the gaps. The Randoms are often left standing with a vague , punch drunk look and as we walk away ( read, I prise Sam away by one of many distraction techniques I have up my sleeve) he usually pipes up in his 'voice that carries' 'Do I know Them?'. He has this vulnerability that I adore and that also scares me and makes me glad I am with him.

It's the same with films, even ones we have watched over and over. He cannot remember the names or characters, whether they are good or bad guys. It takes him many visits to see people and places before everything clicks and even then if there is a gap he will forget again. The key is to find something he can associate with the place we visit, something that resonates. One park is 'Bob the Builder' park because he remembers the ride he liked as a toddler. It makes me smile how doing things that prompt him have become 2nd nature to us as a family. Things that if someone else was working with him they wouldn't understand. Things that we love about him and accept. Things we believe with time he will find his own method of accommodating and working round.

It's often been commented to us that concentration for him is hard. However after spending so much time with Sam I know that this isn't the full picture at all. Find what interests him and he will give it his all, he will concentrate so hard and not give up easily. Today was a perfect example of that. 

We ordered Rockstar for the family as Brian and I would like to improve our guitar playing and the children have asked to learn too. Little hands find it hard to get the technique right but neither boy gave up and tried between them for over an hour, insisting they didn't need any help. They tuned their guitars and practiced and practiced. It was definitely worth the money and we suspect will be used a lot more and will work better than sending them to lessons every week.

I am currently trying to find my way through my doubts about how the children learn best. I read a lovely article, http://www.livingjoyfully.ca/anneo/I_Am_What_I_Am.htm which is leading me on to further reading. I still don't feel I have quite learnt enough about unschooling or autonomous learning. I still feel pulled very unhappily, as my friend T says, by 'stubborn school think'. Possibly because I am often challenged to prove where the boys are with their learning by outsiders and the extended family.

I can recommend this article 

http://www.livingjoyfully.ca/anneo/Highly_Sensitive_Shine.htm which has helped me through these last couple of months, which I will readily admit, have been frustrating and depressing. Not because of the children or their needs but because of the lack of understanding and critisim I am facing from 'professionals'.

Living the life we do, meeting the people we have, through the wonderful world of Home Educating lets me see , one size doesn't fit all, there is another way. Ok it's not mainstream and many do not understand your methods but for us it works. 

Currently I am struggling to pick my way through some issues but I am always looking to improve on any mistakes I make, change our methods to suit whatever the children's current needs are. To us it's about having the flexibility to re evaluate, change , mash up and mould our methods into a way of constantly moving forward. What it isn't is expecting the children to change themselves, who they are or to insinuate they need fixing. It is my responsibility to adapt their education, help them succeed and move forward in the least problematic manner. 

This is not to say that there aren't still frustrations for them, that the children are not expected to understand others needs, theses are very important life skills to possess. However, if support and comfort is given at the right time our children develop and flourish in to very aware individuals. Sometimes this is delayed whilst they process what happened, sometimes it's a wonderfully, spontaneous thing that happens exactly at the right time. What I have seen over the last 1.5 years of this journey is an awareness developing in their own ability, when to offer help to others and why it's ok to be different. The boys have been given a safe time and place to express themselves and develop new skills because they wanted to and were given the appropriate support at the appropriate time. Even when we have had to step back from certain activities due to difficulties we say ' maybe this isn't ok for us now. We won't give up, we will revisit this activity when we feel the time is right for us all'.

It may seem a simple technique but we are seeing some awesome results from it, some real reflection taking place and a new confidence and belief coming from the children. It's not about failure, it's about taking time to learn and find a way forward. It's a skill I am so proud to see them developing.

When the Despair Squid comes to town

Since the children and I have been unwell all week we decided to take things slow.

I often think 'oh we have done nothing' and feel a little dejected, then I come to write it all down and see we have been busy in our own ways.

Sam is going through 'interesting times', throw a virus into that and it makes for complex parenting skills to be implemented . So I felt it may be a perfect opportunity to try being fully autonomous this week and observe what the children would do.

Normally I have activities planned , which Owen responds well to this but Sam is reluctant and wary of anything I suggest. This week I had my usual list of projects ready but spent more time asking 'what do you want to do?'. Here's what they chose to do. This was with as much or as little I put from me as they wanted.

There has been copious amounts of research this week using the internet. It appeared quite early on that this was all going to be Marvel related. The threads of this took a few turns. Marvel Lego games , requiring Utube videos and lots of reading to unlock some pesky characters the boys wanted. This involved some input from me when they needed difficult words spelling or they were excited and wanted me to see what they had achieved.

During the gaps where I wasn't needed I baked bread did chores and made these.   http://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/2013/07/make-your-own-reusable-peppermint-kitchen-wipes.html
With a puppy who likes to dig they came in very handy for muddy paw prints. They clean absolutely everything so I made a pine and a lavender version. Very Eco friendly and they smell divine!


At various points the children decided that they needed more help and seeing that I was having a cleaning spree they asked if they could help to speed things up, so I would be free to help them sooner. I have no problem with the children helping with chores, all great life skills that they will need and the house was looking much tidier in no time. The boys wanted to concentrate on their bedroom and playroom and did a brilliant job. Then we got back to researching all things Marvel.

Another link we were given by our generous HE friends was  http://marvel.com which has lots of interesting activities, relating to the comic series, including making your comics and numerous print outs, so we spent an afternoon looking at what was on offer.

Sooo up what have we covered so far? Reading, spelling, life skills, social skills, research skills, history, money handling skills and numeracy. In addition the children have read their normal large quantity of books, watched films and talked about everything!

Mid week looked at Picasso's monochrome work and did a mixed media piece. We used painting, printing and drawing techniques. The children found the concept of monochrome hard to grasp and I had a lightbulb moment remembering  I had some temporary tattoos stashed. After a short break, involving copious amounts of tattoos being applied to various body parts we completed this.

We also visited friends, had a lovely play at their new house and had a trip to the park when the boys were feeling a bit less wheezy.

Owen is enjoying getting to know our puppy Shadow better and is learning how to interact with him appropriately. Shadow is responding well and every week we notice great changes in him.


Usually at this time of year I have Halloween activities set up but if I am honest the children have never really expressed a deep interest so I decided to take their lead this week. This involved discussing Halloween, Day of the dead and where these traditions come from. I did have a Halloween evening activity booked but it was cancelled. In a way it was for the best as it was an outdoor activity and with the children's asthma being problematic I think they would have been too tired walking around the woods in the damp air. So a quick change of plans meant going to see 'Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs 2, the 3D version
and a family meal out at Pizza Hut . Both were a resounding success. http://www.cloudy-movie.com/tablet/#right Sam did his usual trick and danced and walked his way through the whole film. He finds it so hard to keep still and we try and go at quieter times so he has more wriggle room.

Halloween throws up many issues for the children. They get very stressed by the whole Trick or Treat thing. In the past they have dressed up but feel uncomfortable within minutes of putting on face  paint or costumes. Often the other people's costumes scare them and they sit in the window with a mixture of excitement and dread at the whole process. Usually it's a case of them throwing all the sweets at the first group of visitors that come to the door, then panicking when other people come and there is none left. No amount of prior prompting helps and for children with processing and social issues it's a bit of a minefield. Blokey doesn't cope well with the whole 'people at the door' thing, either.  On reflection keeping everything as low key as possible worked well and may become a family tradition until the children feel more comfortable with the whole idea.

As the boys had a late night out they decided to have 'a bit of a lie in' today, reading and chatting in bed until Blokey had gone to work. We enjoyed a leisurely breakfast around the table together and they declared a 'quiet day' was in order. This always makes me smile, as our days are often busy no matter what. So far our quiet day consists of me helping them with more research , building defences on Clash of Clans, card games and watching the tree surgeons. We even had a chat about what jobs they think they would enjoy and data protection.

The ASD team are still suggesting that Sam would be better placed back in school. They don't say why, or how and discussion with them on the subject leads to the inference that we are somehow 'controlling' Sam's negative feelings about school. Untrue, unfair and when you try to state the case against we are frowned on. At no point have they  offered a better solution to HE, explained what support Sam would be entitled to if he did go back into school or looked at the benefits of the education we are offering him. So how can they judge what's best? These are the many questions I am pondering at present.

You also have to question what actually is their role here. To assess for Autism or to represent a schooling system that failed our children on every level? Even Sam saying himself ( without us present), that he was very unhappy in school has not stopped the endless 'will you consider returning him to school' questions. To say I am finding it stressful and frustrating, is an understatement. All I can do is hope that they finally reach a decision soon and we can carry on doing what we do best without interference and judgement.

Despite if being a difficult week in some respects, it's amazing how many skills we have touched on and I have enjoyed watching the week unfold. I have felt rather low in myself and tired. My blood results are showing an issue which could well be causing a lot of the symptoms I am fighting against currently. I have to wait till next week to see the GP.

The Black Dog of Autonomy

It's weird, often at our place. Here are some of the weird things...

After three years of battles, tribunals and general burecratic bungles, it would appear ( see how I am still hedging my bets) we have finally got the DWP to accept that Owen needs extra help.  I managed to get them to see how his Aspergers Syndrome means he needs extra support, both in and outside the home. This will really help with buying equiptment and supporting him better as he grows.

I feel exhausted, judged and more than a little humiliated but the whole darn process and utterly relieved it may be over at last....see that doubt is lingering that they will change their minds.

I am having many worries over Sam lately. He has been under going ASD assessment, we are fairly sure that he has, Sensory Processing disorder, possibly ADHD and that he too has Aspergers Syndrome. He is a very different little boy to his twin but having him with me 24/7 I can see he has specific needs.

During this process of assessment, we have become increasingly frustrated at the comments and suggestions that we are not doing what is best for him...best apparently is him struggling in school. Been there, done that and removed him due to the lack of support available for him to thrive. There is the next issue, the fact he has rediscovered his natural, interesting, charming, sociable side, which was lost during the school years. It would appear he is doing so well it is proving hard for the team to identify his issues. I have written numerous notes , had morning long meetings, and filled in various questionnaires and sheets. All the information I have provided , I am informed, points towards Aspergers ..but..you'll like this, because Sam is not is school it is very hard for them to assess him.

I cannot tell you how bloody infuriating I am finding these comments . Is it really impossible to assess a child not in school, really? Or is it that those children display such high levels of stress and frustration that it is so much easier to recognise? That would certainly be the case with my boys . I am sure if the team had seen Sam in school, these conversations would not be so one sided.

It's hard not to feel resentful and I do feel this way. Getting Sam to engage in activities is pretty hard most days, I often question and try many methods to find one that suits him, however he is learning, is now understanding more and would no longer be classed as a struggling child academically , like he once was. So why would I want to put him back into that situation, as is being suggested but the assessment team? It's not like we didn't give it our best shot. 2 schools, endless meetings, endless tears, withdrawn children , me stressed to the max...yet it is suggested , more than once.

Sometimes it feels like a thankless task. At school I was told 'there were no problems' then a list of issues would be laid before me that demonstrate there were significant difficulties. No , as we were the ones that dealt with the meltdowns at the school gates, the over stimulated children , the tears, sleepless nights, the children that could no longer eat through stress and lived for Friday nights and cried all  Sunday evening. It was deemed it must have been something we, as parents were doing, causing, imagining. You name it , we heard it all, we even did a parenting course ..which did nothing to help the children or us, but we tried, we felt guilty, a failure.

So why go ahead with an assessment for Sam? A very valid question. It's complex, as these things often are. There is an element of closure needed, also there is the issue of my ongoing health problems. What ifs . What if I got worse and was no longer able to support the children , home education became no longer possible due to my illness? Then we would have to put them boys back into school *shudder*. Even with a diagnosis support has to be fought for and can be scant or inappropriate. We already know without a professional diagnosis there will be bugger all ( technical term) provided and our parenting will be brought into question. We would have no chance of being taken seriously.

There is also that difficult but very pertinent question of wills and trusts for your child. I know this is hard for people to discuss but it's very important to ensure your child's security in the event of your death. If your child has additional needs, extra precautions , care and financial considerations, it is harder to do without diagnosis, not impossible, but best not left to chance.

So you can see there are many, many different reasons why a family may feel they need to follow the diagnostic route, even though they are fully aware of their child's issues and in the main handle things well, without the support of services


I have been thinking a great deal about Sam this week. He is going through a stage where he is not interested in my suggestions regarding activities. He is also finding it too much of a challenge to think up his own...or so I thought.

So for a few days I sat with Owen doing ( what Owen and I considered ) lovely activities and felt peevish about Sam. I did I cannot lie, I felt resentful and aggrieved that he didn't want to join it. So we reached a Mexican stand off where he began to be disruptive.

Then I slapped my own face and realised I was doing him a huge dis-service. What was I thinking?!
Sam is a very busy little boy, always on the go. He is active physically all the time and I mean all the time. Sam never merely watches TV, he watches it spinning in his Bilbo chair, or stands on his head, he's simply never still.

This week I noticed he still wasn't himself , his thumb was constantly being sucked and he was disinterested in anything but his iPad games or Lego Xbox games. I am learning, I am seeing but not always fully understanding.

I know his ASD assessment is playing on his mind, it's playing on mine too for all the reasons above and he's sensitive to my anxiety. The mention of school constantly at these meetings with 'professionals' worries him.

I decided in light of all this I would take a step back and observe what he uses to help him. It been interesting and I have learnt that this is more about, what my perception of what is a good use of his time.

I can see I am wrong . I have known deep down that Sam will be happier with a fully autonomous education for a long time. I know this works as I have seen it in other families and the children are happy and engaged. Soooo why am I not embracing it?

Hmmm...Sam and Owen do need some structure to feel secure and I have had trouble reconciling this with autonomous learning. Through thinking further, and watching him play, I can see the two are not mutually exclusive. I can also see my attitude of 'give them something to do whilst you crack on with other things' is not helping matters. They do need me to be fully present for support but thinking it through and reading about other families and how they juggle all this, everything is doable.

If I want independent learners, life long learners, I need to embrace this and not worry so much about family comments and societies Victorian values about education. That's what is holding me back if I am brutally honest.

Everything we do as parents is judged, we are deemed good or bad, no grey areas. Parents of home educated children even more so. Every politician, nosey neighbour, special needs bod loves to twist and turn what you are doing into some major failing. When the boys were in school, we were deemed a parental fail on every level according to the professionals involved.

First is was not enough discipline , then it was too much involvement and being a 'very close knit family group' ( I kid you not) , the children resented me sending them in everyday and were miserable. So you take them out and notice a massive improvement in every respect. However, this leads you open to more criticism from just about everyone you stand next to in the street. 'Are you a qualified teacher?' 'What about socialisation?', ' How do you know they are progressing?' , 'what about exams?'..if you are reading this you probably know or have heard it all yourself by the bucketful.

So I have decided to forgive myself for wanting to blend in and toe the line for a while. What I will do though is pay more attention to Sam's interests. Involve myself more. I am guilty of not being interested in his sporty side and he is incredibly sporty. More than once in football or swimming have we been told he is gifted and we need to support him more without allowing our own disinterest to cloud the issue. Having a bit of extra money coming it will make a big difference in being able to look into the gym and horse riding activities he has previously expressed and interest in.

I also need to shake of my own views about gaming and look at the positive angle that this can bring. It's hardly like Sam wants to stay inside all day, at the first mention of a walk he is out the door. Admittedly , he forgets up his shoes, socks and coat..but he has his trusty umbrella !

So I am going to shake off my shackles and listen to Sam more , currently Owen for once is causing me few worries , he's happy and engaged in many things and enjoys crafts , reading and researching a variety of things...actually Sam does too, it's just in a different way and I was failing to see it. It not just the children who are learning all the time.

Ramble on...

Just wanted to get down what this whole life, children with Autism, home education thing means sometimes. When I have a really difficult period with the family it's easy to feel swamped by the minutea of our lives and question your reasoning.

To my friends, I am glad to know all of you and am blessed to have finally found true friendship through the home educating network. You guys absolutely rock , whether we talk online or meet in person. You make me feel grounded, you help me be so much better and I learn all the time from you. 

I am also sorry because no matter how much I love to see you, we don't always get to you, or events as much I  would like. Some if this is to protect the children when they are having a difficult time, some of it is to protect your children from a stressful situation that we may cause due over stimulation. I am sorry for all the times we had to cancel, I had to rethink schedules, deal with a wrong sock situation that made us an hour late or simply couldn't get out the door due to the curved ball Autism throws our way. All the parties we missed or didn't hold.

I often feel frustrated that one doctors appointment can throw our whole week out, the change in the seasons, not having the right spoon or acoustics in a building mean meltdown city is thrust upon us and I suddenly have to deal with that. The only way I can do so is often to suddenly abandon what we are doing and work on calming techniques away from the cause of the issue. 

So to all those I left behind to stack chairs, sweep floors, dealt with stuff, I am sorry and I am glad you stuck with us.

My heart sinks when I see my boys getting so excited that I know I will be dealing with over stimulation for days...this makes me so angry sometimes. Not with the children but I wish and wish they could enjoy something with out the repercussions that follow.

Often on bad days I contemplate 'school' but it's mainly because I am too tired to think up another strategy to get through the week. The reality is school, as I know, would mean so many more issues and never being able to see your child thriving when they are with you. It's not an option but it doesn't stop me from feeling I wish there were more people to help and I could go for a poo without answering a million questions through the crack of the toilet door...or rush out mid ablution because of some crisis.

Often I worry about what people think as we leave places, Owen looking angry and shouting, Sam upset and not listening because his mind is firing off at right angles, his mouth following it where ever it is rushing to. What people don't see is my shoulders slump, whilst I wait for the anguish to kick in, as it always does. First Owen...'Sorry mum', then tears, floods of them. Next Sam ' How bad were we in there?'. Often I will pull the car over and we will talk if they are ready. I will ask what would have helped, reassure them we can sort it out, even if I haven't  yet the first idea how to do that.

A quiet period of sadness will follow, both children trying desperately to 'redeem' themselves. I don't expect this or ask for it, it seems to come with the autism territory and a depression of sorts follows them. They are aware now of more and I have to work hard are reassuring them, messaging people and looking hard at how I could of helped more, be better, be constructive. It's exhausting, going over and over it in my head, how can this be better, can I handle this situation in a different way or is it best to avoid certain scenarios for the meantime?

Then there is the home educating side, a whole other 'thing'. I know it's the best way, but it's hard. Having children who come late to self regulation and a mother who wishes them every freedom possible is a massive challenge. 

I have had to accept that too much freedom for my boys isn't a good thing all the time. They panic, they become frustrated and angry if things aren't planned. So I think, ok, I will plan, I am good at that. I have spent ages planning different educational routines and what happens? Autism happens. That non compliant side of their brains rebels against anything that someone else wants them to do. 

Ah I hear you ask how do you manage that then...bloody good question and probably the reason for my thinning hair. Still working on that one. We need lots of breaks, days off, this is what I am beginning to realise. I use the 'just 15 minute' rule' ( children with Autism love and loathe rules in equal measure, depending on who's making them). Sooo we will do this activity for 15 mins and then we can stop if you wish. 9 times out of ten that 15 mins is enough to get them locked into something and engaged. I have to have everything set up ready to roll , any waiting or delay will eat into their good will! Sometimes I have to start the activity alone and hope they will be drawn to what I am doing..they often are.

This means hours on the internet, when they are in bed or other wise engaged in Kung Fu Panda, to make a never ending list of interesting things to try. The next trick is trying to gauge what to suggest in line with their frame of mind at any given day...that sounds easy doesn't it? It is so not! Trying to laugh when it all goes Pete Tong ( and it will, often) is often hard but I am getting better at it. Sometimes one of them walking into the door, or falling off a chair can scupper the whole morning. Yes that happens a lot too...all you ASD mothers are nodding now.

The boys are learning and thriving much more and if I look beyond any current angst I can see a bright future, where before I worried. Yes I feel jealous sometimes, I do. I feel jealous of parents who can just get in the car, jealous that they probably don't have to remind their 7 year old to put shoes and trousers on 20 times before he charges out the door. That they don't have the angst over shoes, which ones, which socks with which shoes, the need for a coat in the depths of a blizzard and the millions of questions as to 'why', why, why, why! The occasions where too exhausted to have that same conversation about coats and shoes I have let them out only to be screamed at because they are cold. Trying not to feel angry because now they are really upset about something you desperately were advising against, knowing in a days time the whole cycle will start again and they won't remember . Then realising you have turned up for your doctors appointment, physio ( insert as appropriate) looking frazzled, sweaty and unable to park  your car because of the stream of consciousness emanating from the back seat. Things like 'do earwigs make chutney', ' whys that man got a big nose' and very likely 'what is that STENCH!', the phrase that follows me everywhere. Of yeah and you are wearing your slippers. 

All of the above is hard, I won't lie, it's tiring. Then there is the  in battles over benefits, giving up work to provide the best care they need and having a society that simply doesn't get you..yeah it's knackering. Watching your child struggle is demoralising and having the general public cast you as a problem sucks big time. Everyone loves to tell you what your children REALLY need, all the time, it's astounding.

However, and it's a very big word that...however. Would I put them back into school . NO! Do I enjoy having them around 'YES' . They make me laugh every single day and I admire how hard they really do try in the face if all the obstacles. They are thriving, they are very happy most of the time, they will be ok, I know this deep in my soul. Everyday we overcome another issue, everyday I learn from them as much as they learn from me. They make me a much better person than I was. Yes is painful to see the difficulties but I think I am the best person to see them and deal with them .

So much has happened in the time we have been on this home ed journey , thanks for sticking with us! Thanks for understanding every time we let you down, had to leave early and for not judging us when things were difficult.

, a photo by janeoatcakes on Flickr.

, a photo by janeoatcakes on Flickr.

, a photo by janeoatcakes on Flickr.

, a photo by janeoatcakes on Flickr.

, a photo by janeoatcakes on Flickr.

Catapult building

, a photo by janeoatcakes on Flickr.

Sam's ink paintings

, a photo by janeoatcakes on Flickr.

March and April 2012

March and April 2012, a set on Flickr.