Just wanted to get down what this whole life, children with Autism, home education thing means sometimes. When I have a really difficult period with the family it's easy to feel swamped by the minutea of our lives and question your reasoning.
To my friends, I am glad to know all of you and am blessed to have finally found true friendship through the home educating network. You guys absolutely rock , whether we talk online or meet in person. You make me feel grounded, you help me be so much better and I learn all the time from you.
I am also sorry because no matter how much I love to see you, we don't always get to you, or events as much I would like. Some if this is to protect the children when they are having a difficult time, some of it is to protect your children from a stressful situation that we may cause due over stimulation. I am sorry for all the times we had to cancel, I had to rethink schedules, deal with a wrong sock situation that made us an hour late or simply couldn't get out the door due to the curved ball Autism throws our way. All the parties we missed or didn't hold.
I often feel frustrated that one doctors appointment can throw our whole week out, the change in the seasons, not having the right spoon or acoustics in a building mean meltdown city is thrust upon us and I suddenly have to deal with that. The only way I can do so is often to suddenly abandon what we are doing and work on calming techniques away from the cause of the issue.
So to all those I left behind to stack chairs, sweep floors, dealt with stuff, I am sorry and I am glad you stuck with us.
My heart sinks when I see my boys getting so excited that I know I will be dealing with over stimulation for days...this makes me so angry sometimes. Not with the children but I wish and wish they could enjoy something with out the repercussions that follow.
Often on bad days I contemplate 'school' but it's mainly because I am too tired to think up another strategy to get through the week. The reality is school, as I know, would mean so many more issues and never being able to see your child thriving when they are with you. It's not an option but it doesn't stop me from feeling I wish there were more people to help and I could go for a poo without answering a million questions through the crack of the toilet door...or rush out mid ablution because of some crisis.
Often I worry about what people think as we leave places, Owen looking angry and shouting, Sam upset and not listening because his mind is firing off at right angles, his mouth following it where ever it is rushing to. What people don't see is my shoulders slump, whilst I wait for the anguish to kick in, as it always does. First Owen...'Sorry mum', then tears, floods of them. Next Sam ' How bad were we in there?'. Often I will pull the car over and we will talk if they are ready. I will ask what would have helped, reassure them we can sort it out, even if I haven't yet the first idea how to do that.
A quiet period of sadness will follow, both children trying desperately to 'redeem' themselves. I don't expect this or ask for it, it seems to come with the autism territory and a depression of sorts follows them. They are aware now of more and I have to work hard are reassuring them, messaging people and looking hard at how I could of helped more, be better, be constructive. It's exhausting, going over and over it in my head, how can this be better, can I handle this situation in a different way or is it best to avoid certain scenarios for the meantime?
Then there is the home educating side, a whole other 'thing'. I know it's the best way, but it's hard. Having children who come late to self regulation and a mother who wishes them every freedom possible is a massive challenge.
I have had to accept that too much freedom for my boys isn't a good thing all the time. They panic, they become frustrated and angry if things aren't planned. So I think, ok, I will plan, I am good at that. I have spent ages planning different educational routines and what happens? Autism happens. That non compliant side of their brains rebels against anything that someone else wants them to do.
Ah I hear you ask how do you manage that then...bloody good question and probably the reason for my thinning hair. Still working on that one. We need lots of breaks, days off, this is what I am beginning to realise. I use the 'just 15 minute' rule' ( children with Autism love and loathe rules in equal measure, depending on who's making them). Sooo we will do this activity for 15 mins and then we can stop if you wish. 9 times out of ten that 15 mins is enough to get them locked into something and engaged. I have to have everything set up ready to roll , any waiting or delay will eat into their good will! Sometimes I have to start the activity alone and hope they will be drawn to what I am doing..they often are.
This means hours on the internet, when they are in bed or other wise engaged in Kung Fu Panda, to make a never ending list of interesting things to try. The next trick is trying to gauge what to suggest in line with their frame of mind at any given day...that sounds easy doesn't it? It is so not! Trying to laugh when it all goes Pete Tong ( and it will, often) is often hard but I am getting better at it. Sometimes one of them walking into the door, or falling off a chair can scupper the whole morning. Yes that happens a lot too...all you ASD mothers are nodding now.
The boys are learning and thriving much more and if I look beyond any current angst I can see a bright future, where before I worried. Yes I feel jealous sometimes, I do. I feel jealous of parents who can just get in the car, jealous that they probably don't have to remind their 7 year old to put shoes and trousers on 20 times before he charges out the door. That they don't have the angst over shoes, which ones, which socks with which shoes, the need for a coat in the depths of a blizzard and the millions of questions as to 'why', why, why, why! The occasions where too exhausted to have that same conversation about coats and shoes I have let them out only to be screamed at because they are cold. Trying not to feel angry because now they are really upset about something you desperately were advising against, knowing in a days time the whole cycle will start again and they won't remember . Then realising you have turned up for your doctors appointment, physio ( insert as appropriate) looking frazzled, sweaty and unable to park your car because of the stream of consciousness emanating from the back seat. Things like 'do earwigs make chutney', ' whys that man got a big nose' and very likely 'what is that STENCH!', the phrase that follows me everywhere. Of yeah and you are wearing your slippers.
All of the above is hard, I won't lie, it's tiring. Then there is the in battles over benefits, giving up work to provide the best care they need and having a society that simply doesn't get you..yeah it's knackering. Watching your child struggle is demoralising and having the general public cast you as a problem sucks big time. Everyone loves to tell you what your children REALLY need, all the time, it's astounding.
However, and it's a very big word that...however. Would I put them back into school . NO! Do I enjoy having them around 'YES' . They make me laugh every single day and I admire how hard they really do try in the face if all the obstacles. They are thriving, they are very happy most of the time, they will be ok, I know this deep in my soul. Everyday we overcome another issue, everyday I learn from them as much as they learn from me. They make me a much better person than I was. Yes is painful to see the difficulties but I think I am the best person to see them and deal with them .
So much has happened in the time we have been on this home ed journey , thanks for sticking with us! Thanks for understanding every time we let you down, had to leave early and for not judging us when things were difficult.
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